“I never knew my past was affecting my parenting!” - This is one of the most common things parents say when they begin to reflect more deeply on their parenting experiences. Many parents start to realise that their own childhood experiences influence how they respond to their child’s behaviour today.
Most parents seek support because something feels hard with their child’s behaviour — frequent tantrums, emotional outbursts, resistance, or constant power struggles. Naturally, our first instinct is to focus on the child. We try to understand what triggered them, what they are trying to communicate, and how we can help them behave differently.
And yes, that work is important, But it is only part of the picture.
Many parents share something like this with me: “I know my child is just being a child, but my reaction feels so strong.” The response comes quickly, feels intense, and often surprises the parent themselves. In these moments, it’s not just about what the child is doing. Often, old emotional patterns within the parent get activated.
Our early experiences influence how we relate to emotions — our own and our children’s. Here are some common ways this shows up:
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Parents who were not allowed to express emotions as children may notice an urge to quickly shut emotions down in their own children. This is often because emotions were felt as unsafe, overwhelming, or unacceptable.
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Parents who were told to “toughen up” may find themselves dismissing or minimising their child's feelings, even when they intellectually believe emotions matter.
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Parents who grew up with unpredictable or emotionally unavailable caregivers may feel intense anxiety around tantrums, loud emotions, or loss of control, because unpredictability once felt threatening.
In these moments, the child’s behaviour is rarely the real issue. What makes it feel so hard is what the behaviour awakens inside the parent.
The Shift That Changes Everything in Parenting
A powerful shift happens when parents realise the struggle is not “my child is doing something wrong,” but rather “something inside me is reacting right now.”
Instead of immediately trying to stop the behaviour, parents begin to pause and reflect:
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Why does this moment feel so difficult for me?
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What memories, fears, or beliefs are getting touched right now?
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What do I need in this moment to stay grounded?
This doesn’t mean ignoring the child’s needs. It means responding with greater awareness and compassion — for both the child and yourself.
Parenting Your Child — and Yourself: Healing While Raising Children
Parenting then becomes a two-layered process.
You are helping your child navigate big emotions while also learning to care for the parts of you that never received the same support.
Over time, this creates more space — less reactivity, more calm, and a deeper connection. Not because your child suddenly becomes “easy,” but because you are no longer fighting your own inner reactions while trying to parent.
And that is often where the most meaningful change begins — for you, and for your child.
I have helped countless parents walk this path of healing and breaking generational patterns. If this is a path that calls out to you, too, I would be honored to support you.
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